What Grief Has Taught Me

“It has been said that, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

Rose Kennedy

Without a doubt, grief is something none of us can escape. It will come for us all, again and again. An unwanted visitor no one is immune from. It hits you, knocks you on your a*s, and tramples over you. The waves of grief wash over you, without warning, over and over. You never quite know when they will come, but you are always at their mercy. It comes when it wants and leaves when it wants. Something I have learned is that it’s easier to surrender and ride the waves rather than resist them.

Grief is an integral part of the human experience, as death is a part of the natural cycle of life. I find it’s one of the most challenging emotions to deal with, at least in my opinion. It’s so strong and can easily cripple those who can’t handle it’s power. I certainly have been crippled by it in the past, like many others in this world. Everyone is different and may have varying experiences with grief. This is simply just my take on it.

First off, my observation of grief has shown me that it comes in waves, as I stated above. The waves may seemingly come out of nowhere. The mightiness of the wave astounds me every time. It’s impossible to ignore and demands your attention. I have learned to submit to the wave of grief when it arrives. I lean into it, feel it, listen to what it wants to express, and allow it to move through me. What comes out seems to be a different degree of pain and unexpressed love for the person each time.

Years ago when my mom died, I both expressed and suppressed the grief. Sometimes the pain was too much to bear, so I’d drink it down with booze. Looking back now, I know that this extended the life of the grief. The more I just allow it to be there, and not run away from it, and just let it come out, the quicker it may pass by.

That’s not to say it won’t be back. My mom died 10 years ago, and there are times when the grief re-visits me and I break down. However, I don’t run from it. I can see it with eyes that show me it’s not an enemy and it’s ok to invite it in. Again, it’s part of the human experience. We are here to feel painful, unpleasant emotions, along with beautiful and joyful ones.

“We need to grieve the ones we’ve lost-not to sustain our connection to suffering, but to sustain our connection to love.”

Jennifer Williamson

This gets me every time. I have lost many people in my life, as we all have. And the running theme connecting them all is feeling some level of guilt and regret. Every damn time. I regret not calling them more, not seeing them more, not telling them I love them more. Those two emotions are on the lower vibrational scale of human consciousness according to David. R. Hawkins.

He is the author of the classic book ‘The map of consciousness explained’, and the highest level on his scale of consciousness is enlightenment. He numbers enlightenment 700-1000, with the emotion ‘ineffable’, and the process as ‘pure consciousness’. Alternatively, the lowest on his scale is shame at 20, with the emotion ‘humiliation’, and the process ‘elimination’. Now, grief on his scale of consciousness is three levels above shame. It’s numbered 75, the emotion is regret, and the process is despondency.

Something I know for sure is there’s no escaping dropping down the levels of consciousness in this life. As long as you are on this Earth, you will feel grief. You will vary between all these different levels; pain is inevitable. Learning to embrace it is wise. Thus, you will feel regret, and a close emotion to regret is guilt. From love inevitably comes grief when you lose those that you love. So embracing these emotions that emerge from love, is the only sane thing to do right? To me, the answer is yes.

When you accept that you feel those painful things, acknowledge them, and let them be heard for a bit, it allows them to pass through you rather than stay in you. The more I stuff them back down and try to bury them, the longer they stay in my heart. Consequently, they get trapped there. Just waiting to be heard and seen. It’s painful and uncomfortable as hell to feel them, don’t get me wrong. But why deny what is real in you?

There is no human being on Earth, or will there ever be, who will get out of feeling pain. It comes with the territory of being here. So instead of making an enemy out of pain, see that you have no choice. See that within that pain, are gifts of wisdom, lessons, growth, and ultimately, evolution for your soul. From deep pain comes deep growth. If you just listen, you will see it. Embrace the human experience, pain and all. Pain is the catalyst for change and growth. This I know for sure.

So feel the emotions, but don’t live there. Allow the emotions to surface, but don’t keep them around. Feel emotions to free the emotions. However, don’t keep a story going about the emotions in your mind that keep these emotions around. Holding onto the guilt or whatever painful emotions you feel, serves absolutely no one. It does nothing to change anything, and certainly doesn’t help you in any way, so remember to allow it to pass. But don’t create a story around it that anchors it to you. Forgive yourself! Which is easier said than done, I know. It’s all a process.

“You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not-and cannot-exist without the other. They are the yin and yang of our lives…Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love and so never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.”

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D.

Surely, love is the most powerful force in the universe. To love, and to learn how to unconditionally love, largely makes up what we are here to learn in our lives. In my opinion. Lord knows I have struggled immensely with this. Relationships with people and myself have been extremely difficult for me. I have deep wounds in my heart that have blocked me from showing unconditional love.

Lots of fear, which is loves opposite, has shut me down for many years of my life. Fear paralyzed and isolated me; fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being my authentic self, and a distrust/fear of life itself kept my heart closed. It’s taken intense work on myself to find my way back to love, and to not fearing love. Certainly, it’s a work in progress.

Although, to embrace love comes with having to embrace grief. For you can’t have grief without love. It’s a paradox. Grief encompasses all the love you have for someone. It’s unexpressed and expressed love. All the love that you had for that person who passed away comes pouring out of your heart when you grieve. The two are a pair. Know this, but know that love is worth all of the pain. If you run from it, you will regret it in the end. Love and loving those around us is worth it all.

A year ago, I went to a mystic fair and had a mediumship reading with a lovely psychic. I will keep the person who came through from the other side anonymous. The person was my age, and we were childhood friends. He persistently came through right off the bat in my reading. He desperately needed to deliver a message to his family who was suffering deeply from his loss. The wisdom that came through this soul will always stay with me. I will share some of it below.

It took a little bit for me to realize it was him coming through the reading. Basically, within a minute of me sitting down, the psychic was describing him to me. He gave his name, his approximate age, dark hair, she said he had committed suicide, knew my sister, lived in my neighborhood, was around my sister and I when we were kids, and more. So many details!

After a few minutes, I finally understood who it was. He gave his full first name rather than his nickname which tripped me up. As everyone knew him by his shorter nickname. I freaked out for a minute, naturally. He was very clear and detailed, I never gave her any information. I had goosebumps the entire time. The lovely psychic had this to say.

“He’s wanting you to give them a message if you’re ok with that.” I nod. Psychic continues, “He wants them to know, he’s particularly concerned about a woman, I want to say girlfriend, sister, mother, that is not doing very well with his death. And just let them know that he’s actually very good where he is. He’s very good where he is. He did not want to be in this life anymore.”

“He wants you to pass on that message to the female-I want to say mother. For them to stop worrying about him and stop feeling guilty. I feel like the mother feels guilty. Not to feel guilty. It’s a waste of her energy. It’s a waste of her life. And she’s actually holding him back by worrying.”

“When we feel that kind of guilt, even with the living, it’s like we got an umbilical cord between us and it’s like ‘yank, yank, yank’. So he says he wants to be released and set free because then he can go and do his work. And when he’s ready he will come back again. He’s got to be complete with the people in this lifetime. Who he realizes he hurt very badly and he’s very sorry about that But it’s nothing to do with them, it was his choice. And he does not want to see them suffer anymore.”

The point of sharing this experience is to show that those we love are very much around us after their souls leave this life and continue on the other side. So talk to them! They can hear you, they watch over you, and know everything that’s going on. They will listen. Things you wish you would have said, say them! Tell them how you feel about them! If you are lucky they will come visit you in your dreams as well. I’ve had a few beautiful experiences over the years with that. They aren’t gone forever, just gone from the physical body. But the soul goes on. And no matter how they passed, or the suffering they experienced in this lifetime, even if they take their own life, their soul lives on!

This leads me into the next lesson. Reach out more! If you can lessen and minimize the regret and guilt you may feel when someone you love in your life passes away, the better off you will be. You will never know the last time you may talk to someone, the last goodbye, the last time you tell someone you love them. I am constantly hit when grieving with knowing I should have reached out more.

If you are in a conflict or argument with someone in your life. Talk to them about it; heart to heart. Put the stupid sh*t aside, be real with them. Say, “you hurt my feelings because of x or y.” Be honest, leave the pettiness aside as it’s unnecessary and stupid in the end. Authentic communication from the heart is the way. Don’t communicate from your fleeting emotions, like anger or shame, communicate from the love you have for that person. The love that will remain once the emotions pass, as emotions are always changing.

That age old saying, “life is short”, is one of the truest statements out there. It’s cliché for a reason. You just never know the last time you will see someone, or when our last day in this life will be. Keep that perspective. Not to be pessimistic, but to give everything more of a meaning. Everyday lived with purpose is better than just getting through each day.

“When your heart is open, fear dissipates faster.”

Lee Harris

Lastly, something that’s been on my mind is if I were to die tomorrow, and look back on my life from the other side, would I be happy with what I have done here? Would I have accomplished my souls purpose in this incarnation? Did I make a meaningful impact on the world, especially during this troubling time on Earth? Am I following my heart? And living my life from my heart or from my mind, the ego? Is my life an authentic expression of what my heart and soul wants to express?

In some ways, I think so, and in other ways, not so much. I’ve switched from living from my heart and living from fear more times than I can count. I have a deep understanding of the energetic vibrations of love and fear. As I stated earlier, much of my life has been suffocated by fear. I let it stay way too long and live my life for me. I don’t want to waste any more of my years living in this way. Giving my power away to fear. Between love and fear, I am working to choose love.

If you can access your heart, the fear goes away, and you can live life more true to yourself. Fear is the biggest hurdle I find. Communication with my heart requires a slowing down, for in the quiet and silence, it speaks. But most of us are too busy with life; constant distractions, stimulations, dopamine hits, crutches, crippling fears, busy-ness, anxiety, and a chronic disconnection from the present moment. However, in the present moment, our heart waits to talk to us. When you are present, you are in your heart. When you are in your heart, you are present. They are one and the same!

There is nothing else but the present moment. Read my post on ways to enter the present moment. The past is behind us, and the future is always ahead of us. Thus, life is actually always happening in the present moment; a long-a*s succession of present moments. If we can slow down, we can feel what our hearts want us to express. When you look back on your life one day, wouldn’t you rather know you did the things here you truly wanted to do?

Ultimately, I know this: starting a relationship with the present moment is one of the most impactful things you can do. Don’t miss out on the present moment because you were always chasing after the future or living in the past. Don’t miss out on your life.

“The challenge of life is to keep your heart open when you most want to close it. To let life crack you open. To open through hurt and loss. To allow what is falling away to fall away. Being human is a courageous act. A life well lived is full of losses and tragedies, as much as triumphs and adventures. Wherever you find yourself at the moment, life is coaxing you to keep your heart open no matter how much it hurts. To continually unfold, to let life crack you open.”

Rebecca Campbell

• What Grief Has Taught Me
• Unique Gift Ideas For The Spiritual Person In Your Life
• Healthy Chocolate Pudding Recipe
• My Weird Everyday Health Habits
• 6 Easy Ways To Enter The Present Moment